The most important kind of change is the one that YOU initiate or influence, the one you can make happen on purpose! Of course, it’s easier to fall into a safe routine and resist moving forward, but I am here to tell you: “Do not fear managing change – be the change.”
Learning how to successfully manage change (or initiate one) can seem like a mountain too steep to climb, especially if you’re dealing with a difficult boss or a life partner.
In my experience, it takes a herculean effort to ignore the volatile delivery, and dig deep to find the meaningful message, when you are under a personal attack from either one.
While the polar options are to leave the relationship (quit your job, leave your partner) there are many, many intermediate steps that can be taken to bring the change about:
- Getting a counselor
- Opening up with the person in question to air your concerns.
- Appealing to HR
Sometimes, the simplest answer is the best one but let’s not assume you have an easy boss that will change just because you share your concerns. Whatever the case might be, you always have 2 options that can bring change:
Option No.1 – You decide you wish to stay in your current job and learn how to deal with your difficult boss.
Option No.2 – You allow yourself to think of a different career (perhaps in the similar industry?).
Let’s explore both options:
Deciding to Work With a Difficult Boss – Listen to the Message Instead of the Delivery
If you’re going to set out on the quest of bringing change about and trying out new approaches to the same ol’ difficult boss, the first thing you need to know is:
You always have a choice on how to take your bosses’ temper tantrum.
You could make it personal, about you and your ego OR look at it academically, and listen for the message while overlooking the delivery.
Here’s my personal example of a difficult boss, described in full detail in my book, Blind Spots: How to Embrace Curiosity, Disruption, and Imagination to See Yourself as a Change Agent:
“One time, I was in a sales meeting with my regional VP, the director of sales, sales office manager and the owner, when my boss challenged the sales office manager on a bet that we were not meeting a company standard.
When the sales office manager declined to accept the challenge because “she had a mortgage,” he exploded, and yelling at the top of his voice told her she had no idea of what a mortgage was.
He reached into his briefcase and produced a binder that he slammed on the table. He then proceeded to take us hotel by hotel to show us the mortgage on each, adding to a whopping $1 billion (and this was in 1999).
How dare she tell him about mortgages!
His message was clear—he was under HUGE pressure for the hotels to perform—but his delivery made it nearly impossible to discern the message as you never knew if at the end of one of his tirades he would not announce that you were fired.”
Working with this boss was a miserable experience, but I loved my job and got curious about creating a positive change in the workplace.
I started talking with friends and trusted advisors. I read books and also explored other opportunities. Over time, I came to realize that when I got the “monster” on the phone I needed to filter out the noise and listen to the message instead the delivery.
Do not fear managing change – Be the change.
It was my own choice to continue to put up with this extremely difficult owner, and it was my choice to learn how to deal with him. I certainly do not advocate remaining in an abusive relationship.
I know it’s hard to swallow your pride and let someone belittle you, but if you are in a situation where you feel that you need to keep that specific job, this tactic will allow you to bring positive change about.
Do not fear managing change – Be the change.
The important thing is that you realize that YOU are the only one that is in charge of deciding how much YOU are willing to work to create positive change.
Looking for Other Career Choices
Even though it might not seem that way right now, you DO have other career options in life.
It feels almost unreal to be in a position where I can say that, but I do remember a time when I felt trapped.
Me and my wife, and our two kids loved where we lived. We had moved every two years for previous jobs, and had no desire to place our kids in a new school.
This was a fact the owner knew well. He told us to target potential managers as people that were in my similar situation, as we would be less likely to jump ship.
In this case, my situation was “self-inflicted,” right? I would not want a “lesser” job, and did not want to relocate.
Finally my boss decided for me when he announced selling the hotel. I already knew what happens with the old staff when new management comes in. They get replaced.
I also knew that when I got fired, there wouldn’t be a “golden parachute” or anything to soften the fall.
So when this moment comes in our lives we can choose to let the current take us, wherever it may go OR we can become curious and search for other options the world has to offer.
In my case, to find this NEW job, I had to abandon my career as a Hotel General Manager, to become the CEO of a very old and traditional City Club.
I had to open my mind to being responsible for a much smaller organization, but one that was in dire need of new direction.
It ended up being the best job of my entire career. I made lifelong friends and was challenged at every level to marshal my abilities to not only maintain the status quo, but also challenge the team onto a road of continuous improvement.
Actionable Steps To Creating Your Positive Change
- Create a vision of the desired outcome. To bring about any kind of change, whether purposeful or disruptive, you need to be curious about alternatives, about what you can do, about whose help you can elicit.
- Find a way out. Don’t just go from day to day, taking the abuse and allowing the poison to build up. You will end up feeling miserable.
- Make a plan, set a direction and purposefully set a course, then you are making change happen. Will it always work out in your favor? Absolutely not. But you have the reassurance that you are the captain of your destiny.
- Get curious, explore alternatives, and know that it takes sacrifices to achieve difficult goals. and the satisfaction of knowing that you are the one making the moves on the chess board, and not simply a spectator of how your life becomes a wreck.
We do not have to live in the world that is handed to us. We can shape it to yield desired outcomes, if we just are curious enough, strong enough and have support groups to help us move on.
Do not fear managing change, as change is not our enemy, but our attitude towards it – is.
